We've all heard the theory; if you've got a girlfriend, she'll end up
looking like her mother. She may even end up acting like her mother;
which, depending on your taste in women, could be a good thing or could
be a bad thing. According to Brad and Dan from the
, however, it certainly isn't something to worry about.
Our concerns are encapsulated by Ben from Southend, a normal-looking
bloke who decides to give Brad
a call in his hour of need; which, by the looks of
things, appears to be during a family dinner party. He wants to know
immediately, he cannot wait a minute longer. "I was just wondering," he
says, "Is my girlfriend definitely going to end up looking like her
Now, Brad and Dan aren't your standard agony aunts; or in this case
agony uncles. The pair of laid-back Aussies fancy themselves as wise
men; they have answers to any question that modern man may have. Like
some warped version of the Samaritans, they understand our worries and
are there if we need them. They may be on the other side of the world
in a rather quaint looking beach shack, but they're there if we need
them. All it takes is a good
Fortunately for Ben, he is immediately put at ease by his Aussie chums.
"Benno!", Brad and Dan reply. Their words of wisdom take just moments
to materialise. In a superb example of quick thinking, they offer Ben
some reassurance using the one thing that has brought Australia and the
UK closer than any (in terms of TV shows with questionable
acting, at least) other: Neighbours.
"Put it this way mate," Dan explains. "Did Scott ever wonder if the
lovely Charlene was going to end up looking like Madge?" Ben is forced
to think. He is British, therefore he knows Neighbours. He appears to
be in his 30s, so he is of the right age to remember Scott and
Charlene's blossoming romance, possibly even their outrageously 80s
hairstyles. He also remembers Madge. Ah, Madge. Most of us have never
got over her loss.
"Course he didn't," Dan continues, before being interrupted by Brad,
who is keen to impart his own words of wisdom: "You'll find as you get
older mate, other stuff will start to occupy your mind." It's true. At
this point, Ben turns away to a rather attractive bikini-clad lady who,
by the looks of things, appears to have a penchant for fishing. She
knows what she's having for dinner this evening.
"Like, why do I have hair growing out my ears?", Brad questions. Is it
wise to replace one of Ben's concerns with another? Many men of a
certain age are terrified by this unusual but inevitable phenomenon. A
quick clean of the ears and, oh, what's this, a hair. Hmm, this can be
easily removed by my cotton bud... but, hang on, it's not moving. Then
the realisation sets in; it's attached. You have become an old man. A
quick glance at your girlfriend and yep, she's turned into her mother.
It's all downhill from here.
However, if this thought can reassure Ben, albeit temporarily, then
Australia's wise men have succeeded in their mission. Dan decides not
to risk it and quickly moves on: "How do they make Scotch eggs?", he
asks. This is a question less about tapping into man's insecurity and
more about distracting our man in need. It's a question that taps into
our logic-fuelled, alpha male brains. A hard-boiled egg wrapped in
sausage meat and breadcrumbs. But, how? Well, the next time you're in
need and Brad and Dan are engaged, why not give it some thought? It
won't solve your man troubles but it will make them go away for however
long you choose to think about it; just don't use the Internet to
It's time to wrap up this little phone call, it's no use Ben from
Southend getting confused. Also, there's a genuine risk that the other
dinner party guests will become suspicious. Brad concludes: "Don't
worry about the future mate, just enjoy the now." And then the killer
line from Dan: "Who knows, she could turn out to be a Vorderman?".
Carol Vorderman, a mainstay of British teatime TV, has aged remarkably
well. This is undisputed; some have even compared the queen of the
vowels and the consonants to a fine wine.
Ben knows this is true and cannot hide his excitement. He cannot see
the giant poster of Carol at the back of Brad and Dan's beach shack,
but he can imagine her face without too much trouble. "Oh, that'd be
nice!" he says, almost shouts, a little too loudly. Job done; our man
from Essex is reassured. He is happy. He will live for today and not
worry about the future. He and his girlfriend will grow old together
and, with a bit of luck, he won't even notice the ageing process. All
is well; Brad and Dan have succeeded.
Now, Ben must continue with his life. His little yelp of excitement
about Carol Vorderman, however, has not gone unnoticed. Still on the
phone to his Aussie mentors, he turns sheepishly to the room where the
dinner party guests are contained and tells Brad and Dan that he must
go. His girlfriend looks confused; his potential mother-in-law slightly
more confused. Ben is on his own now. He must walk back into that room,
appetite restored, shoulders back and head held high; for his mission
is clear. It begins and ends with today. Tomorrow; a new one begins.
And who knows what a new day will bring?
"No worries mate!" is Brad and Dan's farewell. With a bit of luck, Ben
will no longer have any worries. He has made his good call and reaped
the rewards. Trouble is; there are hundreds, thousands, possibly
hundreds of thousands of Bens out there, all of whom are plagued by man
troubles. Our Australian wise men, it seems, have their work cut out.