Readers’ Letters: Is fruit cake the solution?

Am I the fruit cake?

As we know, the potholes are littered with bits of road these days. Comments like these are a dime a dozen, even though we don't use dimes over here. Darn Americanisms!

Yes, they're annoying, but I'm here to suggest a new way to tackle the pothole plague: Fruit cake.

I know what you're all thinking. Why should an individual with only a provisional licence to his name who can't get his head around gears have an opinion about the country's roads? But hear me out.

Fruit cake is dense as anything.

Think about it, there's tonnes of fruit in there, mixed in with hefty amounts of flour, sugar and butter. And to top it all off, litres upon litres of whisky. That really brings the mix together.

Plus, it is universally known to last longer than your common or garden tarmac.

It would really improve the driving experience.

Just imagine: you break down at the side of the road and have to wait hours for your chosen recovery provider to show up. You have no snacks in the glove box.

No worries though! You can just get down on your hands and knees and nibble away at the former pothole.

How convenient!

You'll obviously be unable to drive after as it's soaked in booze, so please make sure you either total the car, or have someone to come pick you up.

I can hear you, dear reader, saying “this is all well and good, but how will you bake the cake mix?”

I assure you that this has been taken care of.

You splodge the gloriously thick mixture into the pothole and cook it with one of those searing hot hot heat lamps you find in the smoking area at the local pub or club.

Now that has been settled, I would like to thank you for coming round to my way of thinking.

Soon, our roads could be completely resurfaced with cakey goodness, and wouldn't that make us all a lot happier?

If not, slightly bemused.

No longer will they say “let’s go to America, where the streets are paved with gold”. Everyone will proudly announce “I'm off to Newark where the potholes are full of cake!” — J. HAYES, via email.